Chernobyl Diaries

2012Chernobyl

Starring:  Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski and Olivia Dudley

I’ll just flat out say it, C.R.A.P. yup, it was complete crap. Isn’t a ‘horror’ film supposed to be creepy and scary and make you jump? Well this one sure as shit didn’t do it to me, and I’m one of those that jumps at their own shadow.

I mean really, radioactive people eating zombies?!  And who is actually dumb enough to tour a radioactive abandon town? Oh wait, they read the script, I forgot. {eye roll}

I thank my lucky stars that I paid not a penny to see this horrid little flick. Had I known there would be zombies I would have passed it right on by.

Please, for your own sake… don’t waste your time (88 min to be exact) watching this nightmare. Then again, if you can’t get enough crappy cheesy zombies then be my guest.

My rating… several huge steaming piles of poo.

Rock of Ages

2012

Starring: Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta and Tom Cruise

When trailers started popping up for this flick I was pretty excited. It looked to be a darned good movie. I mean, look at the cast and the music… How could you go wrong?!

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD did they go wrong!! and in so many ways. It was like a musical train wreck that you just couldn’t stop. A TWO HOUR auto-tuned nightmare. I just kept staring at the screen, eyes locked if not in disbelief then in pure horror of what was unfolding before me. You could have cut off a toe and I probably wouldn’t have noticed.

Their first wrong doing was when the girl Sherrie (Hough) gets off the bus and starts singing “Just like living in paradise” when she should be singing “Welcome to the Jungle”. The scene isn’t paradise at all it’s the complete opposite. Come on people! {face palm}

I must admit, I did giggle once. It was when Drew (Boneta) got up on stage for the first time and sang. After he finished they panned over to Lonny (Brand) and he and another guy had their lighters aflame. A salute to rock ‘n roll.

OH OH OH! Let me not forget get the “I think I’m Gods gift” pseudo star of the flick, Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx. Good grief! Because his ego wasn’t big enough, they made him a friggin’ rock star! And of course he’s got the slutty sluts hanging all over and such… HURL!

Who approves this shit?! Apparently these 80s bands needed some hard cash to let this happen to their classic tunes. Such a sad day in music history.

I won’t be recommending this movie… even to a coma patient.

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Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

2012

There may or may not be spoilers. Read at your own risk!

I went in to Madagascar 3 expecting it to be as entertaining as the previous two Madagascar movies. Boy was I wrong.

This had to be one of the most boring kids movies I have ever watched. What the hell was DreamWorks thinking?!

The plot, for the most part, was far too serious for children and the Russian tiger was just a bit too mean and scarey. There was a slutty leopard or cheetah (whatever) that should have been toned down a bit, or maybe all female Russian animals are trampy.

In trying to lighten things up a bit they tossed in a dimwitted seal lion from what sounded like Italy. Ya, he wasn’t funny either, just dumb.

Halfway through the movie the Russian tiger is still a complete grumpy jerk who needs a big bottle of vodka to loosen that stick outta his bum, and I have yet to laugh more than once (we’ll come to that). This movie is the biggest stinker.

Oh… lest I forget the fat bottomed animal catcher woman that MUST get her lion. She will stop at nothing and I mean nothing. This goes beyond cartoon far fetched. At one point I wanted to smack her with a frying pan she was so annoying.

I truly hope this is the last Madagascar movie they make, as some things just need to die.

I wouldn’t recommend this movie unless you have 93 minutes of your life you no longer have a use for.
DreamWorks, you have F.A.I.L.E.D… ya, you heard me.

Now, for the part I laughed at… see below, the ONLY funny part of the movie…

The Five-Year Engagement

(2012)

Starring: Jason Segel, Emily Blunt and Chris Pratt

The Five-Year Engagement… I don’t know what I was thinking when I started watching this movie. I can’t stand Jason Segel, he’s just not funny. At all. And spending approximately 124 min watching him whine was torture. I wanted to reach into the TV and punch him in the back of the head.

I suppose this movie would have been more fun if they would have chose a different leading man, say… ANYBODY ELSE. There’s a great storyline and the other actors are wonderful. There weren’t even any face palm worthy lines. That’s a major bonus.

Anyway, if you can get past Mr. Segel and his unfunniness then you’ve got a decent movie. For me, it was a toughy.

~~

Mirror Mirror

(2012)MirrorMirror

Starring: Lily Collins, Julia Roberts and Armie Hammer

Mirror Mirror was absolutely ridiculous! I sat through the whole movie just shaking my head wondering why I was still watching it.

I have to give props to Julia portraying the evil Queen, she did so in a spectacular fashion. Her facial expressions were top notch.

Everything else… just plain crap.

I’m giving this movie three steaming piles of doggie poo.

Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance

2011Spirit of Vengeance

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ciarán Hinds and Idris Elba

Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, they make a part 2. I’d call it a sequel but I have a uncomfortable feeling that with the way they ended this movie there just might be a third train wreck coming to a theater near you.

Spirit of Vengeance takes place in Eastern Europe. Johnny Blaze (Cage) is called upon help protect a boy from the devil.

This movie is crap. Pure and simple. I am not sure why any fool even put money on this script, unless is was Cage and he had the cash just lying around gathering dust.

Cage did, yet again, prove that he can be the best whacked out dude on fire with his Tasmanian devil-like wails and screams as he rides his flaming bike. His acting was on par with the last ghastly Ghost Rider movie. Should we have expected anything different?

Seriously Nic, pull your head out.. you can do so much better!! Sweet Jeebus!

The boy, Danny (Fergus Riordan), he was alright. I haven’t seen him in anything else that I can think of so that’s all I can say.

Roark, (Ciarán Hinds), the devil is the devil…

As for the rest of the actors.. BLECH. I could have done without them… all of them.

I would not recommend this movie unless you are a die hard Cage fan. And seeing how I am, I took one for the team and watched this nightmare. As I am sure I will if there is another one.. ugh.

Two great big steaming piles of poo for this flick.

The Help

2011

Starring: Emma Stone, Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer

I was finally able to watch The Help this weekend. It was well worth the wait. What a fantastic movie. I laughed, I teared up, I got angry at those racist white biatches… I think I felt everything The Help wanted me to feel.

Set in Mississippi in the ’60s, Skeeter (Stone) returns from college determined to become a writer. Her first job, the housekeeping column in the local paper.

Not long after being back Skeeter decides she wants to writes a book, from the black housekeepers perspective. You can only imagine what happens from here out…

I highly recommend The Help as a viewing choice. I personally plan on watching this again and possibly buying it. Absolutely fantastic and it deserved every award it received.

Award listings: Imdb.com Award List

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